Radical Receiving
“Thank you, that feels ____.”
Not a “Thank you, but . . .”
Not a “You’re wrong because . . .”
Just a “Thank you, that feels _______ .”
People misunderstand us all the time. It’s something I’ve personally struggled with my whole life. I’d ask myself “How could they say that, don’t they know ______ about me?” or “How could they see me that way?” Whether it be positive, negative, reality-based or from the realm of their own fantasies, I couldn’t receive what people had for me. It kept me poor - relationally, financially, and spiritually poor.
And it’s not because I couldn’t accept their truths as true for them. I received too much of what they had for me. In fact, I was in a long-term relationship where I unknowingly and unskillfully trusted their fantasy version of me (and them) over my own truth and experience. I went to the extreme of trusting other peoples’ truths of me more than my own. It was weird, it wore me down, and it made me forget my power.
I took their version of me personally. I took what THEY had for me personally.
Especially if they were close to me. Those days were dangerous. Dangerous for me and other people who loved me. I tried to think my way out of danger.
What we don’t need to know
We don’t need actually to know their motives, evaluate how much they actually know us, or calculate what they want from us to radically receive what they have for us. We just don’t. Using our minds to navigate relationships tends to send us into spirals and keep us from sharing ourselves and receiving others as they are. Using our minds can actually keep us from the truth of what is. I’m not here to argue neuroscience here. I know you’re reading and using your brain right now - and - most of us can experience and authority somewhere else in our bodies. (So use that part and see what happens!)
Now, this isn’t for everyone. Radical Receiving takes true courage, vulnerability, and trust. Trust in yourself, trust in your power, trust that good outcomes are just as likely as any other outcome, trust in the chaos of the unknowable. Trusting truth. Radical Receiving is powerful AF because it is based entirely in our capacity to receive the truth. And funnily enough, we don’t have to think about the truth to know or feel it’s true, we just have to practice discernment and intuition. Those practices aren’t inherent to Dominant American Culture - many don’t learn those skills.
Pain in the Membrane
Some people among us do not have discernment, they have preferences. Those of us have little capacity for authenticity or actually seeing their own, whole truth. They live exclusively in the fantasy of only being able to see their good sides and surround themselves with others unwilling to see or speak to their struggles and imperfections. They’re incapable of receiving the truth of their impact on others - positive or negative - they just cling to a few simple ideas of what they want the truth to be. This lack of discernment or intuition does not diminish their agency, power, or responsibilities, but rather can hide them.
I would say that this hiding is a dangerous way to live, but truly, dominant American cultural systems - especially in the realm of finance - chide consumer practices of discernment and intuition. The only negative consequence these fantasy-focused community members face is loneliness & a lack of sustainable relationships. Their lack of truth, discernment, or intuition is only dangerous for those closest to them. If you’re worried you might be among them, book some time with me or Fereshta Ramsey to do some “shadow work”. Seeking your whole truth is a brave act of love and we both want to love all of you as much as you do.
Shadow work can bring out the nuances we need to love more of our truth.
Discernment and intuition are unearthed in the “both and.”
When someone says “damn, you look stunning tonight,” it’s true for them. If you’re feeling uncomfortable in your body or your clothes when they give you that compliment, it doesn’t make it less true for them, however, our contrary truth may naturally diminish how much of their truth we can accept.
Let it filter through for a moment: “Yes, I look stunning tonight - that feels true…and I also feel gross.” - It feels a lot different than the “I feel gross” alone, or saying “you’re wrong, I’m gross,” doesn’t it? By relating to what was true for the other person, the way we feel in our bodies can change. Even if I didn’t think I looked stunning, it was true somewhere (in someone I care about - I care about and trust their opinion!) I took what was true for them into my body, and held onto only what was also true for me and it changed how I felt about myself and it was more whole truth.
Our discernment and intuition act as a neutral truth screen. They allows us to take all the truths of the world around us and keep only what resonates with our own truth. How beautiful is that?! Discernment and intuition are the selective membranes that sift outer and inner truth until only Truth remains. The more we practice discernment and listening to/acting on our intuition, the more truth we can experience and receive. The more we turn away from our truth, the more harm we cause ourselves and others. That violence is sneaky and can mask itself as “looking like a good person” or a “good mother” or “ being humble" by putting yourself below another person. (That’s not what humility is, in case you were curious.)
That doesn’t seem that radical
You’re right. It’s not. That’s just an example of actual, regular, truth receiving, but for many people it can feel so radically different from the way we live. Receiving without discernment is something famous people do. If you’re feeling judgment about them in this moment, I ask you to suspend it for just a minute or two.
Famous people receive everything that comes their way. Fanmail, weird busts of them made out of bubble gum, hatemail, death threats, invitations to events they can never attend, and miss out on events they want to be present for. Fame requires radical receiving without discernment. In exchange, they receive seemingly unending attention and money and are constantly targeted by those wanting to take it all from them. The more famous people receive without discernment, the more they are targeted by predators who feel justified in taking from them however they please - they consented to being exploited, right? It feels gross and the famous people don’t feel valued for being the people they are. Yes… they are people and they are also inherently valuable. The way famous people often receive is unsustainable, volatile, and addictive, but we keep giving at high volume anyway. All anyone with the last name Kardashian has to do to receive a million dollars is ask for it. But our relationship to giving or asking are entirely different articles . . .
What’s really radical is finding your authentic relationship to receiving.
That’s world-changing stuff right there.
Let’s co-define “Radical Receiving” and find our truth together.
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Hi. I currently have 2 paid subscribers - not bad for being active here for 3 days! They told me with their money that they think my writing is worth supporting financially. I love that. Thank you - it feels good and true - that I have something worth sharing - that those 2 people find it worth receiving. I feel great about it! Ask my partners, I get all excited any time anyone subscribes, paid or not. And wouldn’t you figure - it helps me heal my wounds around not feeling understood. BAM! YES!
Co-Conspirator Highlight - Fereshta Ramsey
Fereshta Ramsey - Shadow work. Finding your truth with someone loving feels simultaneously bizarre and so, so right. If you wanna be held in your deepest fears, she’s a loving cup of tea and a warm fire. Cozy up to your shadow side and love the whole you.
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Fishbrain saga continues. My room is a mess. My office is a mess. But I have these cute stacking cats my niece gave me, some good snacks, and a bel hooks book, so I’m good. Anyone wanna help me clean and get a new start? Anustart? - Did I just out myself as a millennial with an Arrested Development reference? Yes. You’re welcome.
My brain was very pleased reading this 😜