Money & Divorce
Money & Divorce
How to Save Money & Connection & Stay in your Integrity
I don’t think anyone LIKES divorces - not even the lawyers who benefit from them. They’re messy, emotionally charged and everyone slips so easily into their worst fighting behavior at the drop of a hat.
Unless . . .
The couple also clears up their relationship to money.
Clarity & Calm Emotions = Saving Money
Divorces bring a lot of clarity into relationships that got muddy - we find out exactly who we are and who we’re not. It also brings out our most intense protective behaviors around resources like money. By working with a Financial Wellness coach during your divorce, you can get a non-judgmental framework and language for working through financial conflict with clarity. Everyone feels heard, understood, and valued around their financial decision making during the divorce.
Why does that matter? Because instead of just feeling and reacting harshly, you have set some new rules for the playground that actually give you more space, i.e. make everyone less protective and reactive. Having healthy frameworks for money can take us out of fight or flight and into a place of calmer, more collectively beneficial decision-making.
Simply put - you might actually save more money - especially within Collaborative law.
Saving the Marriage or Connection
For many couples, the reasons for divorce stem from differences in spending money or sexual incompatibility. Guess what? They’re related.
We inherit stories about money as children that affect our relationship to giving and receiving as well as asking for what we want in life. As we age, when we don’t know how to ask for what we want, we end up with connections that are unsafe for us - thinking that we’ll just make do with whatever is put in front of us, leaving us unsatisfied and resentful of our partners. We look for reasons to be disappointed. We trade safety for unstable connection. We struggle with self worth or guilt around pleasure or financial comfort. We say yes to a date because someone is interested, not because we also want it. The correlation between sex and resource management is well-documented.
Getting clear on our desires through the lenswork of money & financial wellness is a perfect way to heal rocky relationships struggling with either money, sex, or both. It’s a great bang for your buck … so to speak. ;)
If you think your marriage is worth saving, Financial Wellness coaching is the quickest, most effective path to saving it.
Nothing to Save, Now What?
Ok, you’ve discovered that the relationship isn’t what you want. But maybe you still have to communicate and work together for kids or shared assets like a house.
Financial Wellness coaching gives you a safety framework for how to relate to each other more effectively and get on each others’ nerves less - unless you’re doing it intentionally. (I’m not gonna judge. You do you.)
Fewer Legal Fees & Less work for your Lawyer
That shit is expensive - and it should be. Highly qualified practitioners of law are worth every penny. And guess what, they don’t want your case to get into the weeds because of bad behavior either. They’re not into “herding cats” or managing emotional states in order to get to a unified goal. The exception there may only be Collaborative Lawyers.
When you work with a Financial Wellness Coach, you’re able to make less inflammatory responses to what’s happening and make more informed choices. Most people think they make rational decisions about money, but the truth is we’re most often making emotional decisions about money. By using both your brain and emotions, your money decisions become aligned with your desires faster: AKA: Get more of what you want sooner than later.
The difference in time saved alone translates into fewer muddied up hours with your Lawyer which frees them up to do their jobs more effectively.
It’s a win for the clients, a win for the Lawyers, and a win for the Financial Wellness Coach. (I would know, I am one and I LOVE my job and knowing that more people are making aligned decisions in their lives!)
Great, How does it work?
A good Financial Wellness Coach will get to the root of your patterns in one 90-min session. Yes. You can get clarity on patterns in ONE SESSION.
The next step goes deeper into relational patterns between the couples - one session per person, at least. You find out where you and your partner were and weren’t acting in your integrity around money or sex or both.
Within 3 total sessions you’re able to name the harmful patterns and begin to heal them. Maybe you won’t heal them with your partner, but you sure won’t bring that unhelpful stuff to your next relationship!
At that point you have enough language and frameworks to begin navigating your divorce with more ease and confidence. You’ll recognize your own activation patterns and be able to make decisions from a calmer place. You’ll also recognize when your partner is about to get out of line. You can choose to share this information with your Lawyer so they have an easier time ensuring your mutual success.
From here your Financial Wellness journey is up to you. How much do you want to clear away unhelpful money patterns? How many environments do you want to show up in with more integrity - like work, with your kids, or socially? How much power and influence do you want to feel good about? A good Financial Wellness Coach can walk with you through all of it and help you unfold the layers of your truth together.
What’s Next?
Book a discovery session with a Financial Wellness Coach! They’re free!
Take a Free Money Mindset Quiz
Tell your Lawyer about collaborating with your Financial Wellness Coach - You may even be able to get your ex-spouse to pay for it by lumping it in with legal costs! (nice)
Start some self-discovery with a workbook
Join a group workshop or download videos to open your financial flow.
TALK ABOUT MONEY. That’s easiest, simplest way to start.
About the author:
Candis Fox (any pronoun) has combined their 10+ years in cognitive & behavioral science, Master’s in Education and lifelong study of myth & human patterning to provide leaders and families deepen their relational intelligence. Candis provides regenerative, effective strategies & practices for matching internal and external success through the art of relating.