I Hated The Dominator
I Hated The Dominator
and how I sexily deprogrammed supremacy from my mind
A Recipe for Change & Wealth
Deprogramming Supremacy mindsets and healing relationships to money can be a delicious process like eating a slice of peach pie on a late summer evening. All you have to do is eat the pie, right? Well, first we need to know the pie exists by maybe smelling it in the air or seeing it resting on the counter.
If you want to take a moment to “smell the pie” and become aware of your subconscious money practices, take this 3-min, commitment-free quiz. Find out which flavor “pies” you prefer and which you avoid. . . and why.
I thought I hated peach pie.
But how could someone from The South hate peach pie? I think it was because I only ever knew bad peach pie. You know, the thoughtless, way too syrupy, sloppy mush of peach pie. The peach pie here is a metaphor for one of my most controversial Money Models: The Dominator.
When I began doing my own Money work for myself, I piled everything that hurt me about living in a capitalist, colonial financial system into one energy: The Dominator. I hated the smarmy, short-sighted, extractive practices that made assholes rich and kept me poor.
It was my hatred of that energy that helped me feel “better than” anyone else that did those things. By ranking myself as better, I was unknowingly playing into a supremacist mindset and perpetuating colonial practices of extraction in my own heart and mind. I was keeping myself down... and it was benefitting assholes.
It had to stop. I was no longer willing to uphold any supremacy or ranking in my life. I was no longer willing to be extracted from, or extract from others. I was no longer willing to invest in being seen as “better than” anyone else for any reason, not even “good reasons,” like having a smaller carbon footprint or protesting “the right way” for the “right causes.”
This lost me a lot of friends.
Because I was no longer willing to rank myself, I was no longer welcome in circles where ranking was a game and gave satisfaction. I was no fun to them anymore... but I was happier and more free.
I tasked myself with learning to Love The Dominator. There had to be something to love about it, right? Once I realized the key to sustainable Dominator energy was Consent (which requires empathy), I dove in.
Have you ever spent a day making decisions with your junk? I did. It was awesome. The consent process started with my own desires first, not the other way around. That was NOT what I was conditioned for, maybe that’s not you’re conditioned for either. Were you also crafted into a perfect pleasure machine for someone else or believed that pleasure in life had to come from someone else? Rewiring my focus to be on my pleasure first felt sacrilegious or sinful, and I wasn’t even raised Christian! I had to trust that in my experiment, I could create my own safety/boundaries and dosage throughout the process. I had to trust that I would be ok. Being queer was an advantage here as I had already filtered out anyone in my life who wanted to punish me for pursuing my own unique pleasures in life, so shifting my focus to me first was a little easier than for some.
Would you have guessed that the people who stuck around after the “ranking cleanse” loved it. They were eager to please me once they knew how. They began to speak to me differently too and share their desires with me and how I could make them come true. Our relationships of all kinds deepened and became more fruitful, and literally brought me more wealth.
High Time for Pie Time
All of a sudden, selling became easier for me because I was getting consent to give them what they wanted - which happened to be something I had to offer! How great! My pitches went from “Hey, would you like this cool money thing I do? It changes people's’ lives!” to “I really want your non-profit to stay in business and provide necessary services. I see you’re stressed about money. I can transform the internal struggles that keep you from success into your secret sauce. Would you like that?”
I got more competent with skills like: requests, demands, desires, empathy, empathic listening, unconditional positive regard, and congruence. Then I started making money my way. I felt powerful. I felt sexy. I felt like a million-dollar Dominator - loving, consensual, and rooted in making dreams come true (mine and theirs).
These are skills anyone can learn; skills that I teach to build wealth, intimacy, and power. They make life delicious.