Childhood Neglect & Money
Money, are you there?
Wanna hear a DIRTY MONEY SECRET?
If we were conditioned in an environment of neglect, we will unconsciously seek out people who can’t see or hear us. It can keep us from experiencing a healthy, conscious relationship to money. A neglect wound can keep you in a state of overpaying others.
WHAT? Candis, what do you mean - wouldn’t someone who was neglected find people who can see them?
No. Not unless that part of their subconscious has been brought forward and addressed. Allow me to explain.
When we are conditioned to be neglected, we get used to not being seen or heard. We were quiet as kids, rarely got in trouble in school, and rarely got picked for the big roles in theater, sports, or academic clubs, even if we were high performing.
We often feel like speaking up about our needs and desires won’t get us anywhere anyway - so why bother? Or that when we speak our boundaries that they’ll just get run over anyway. The most surprising part is that we subconsciously like it or get something from it. More on that later.
Neglect Patterns in Money
When we’re used to not being seen, we might struggle to:
Hire qualified people, contractors, therapists, doctors, or coaches. We’re more likely to hire someone who at least pretends to listen to us because if we feel heard, we’re satisfied enough not to raise a stink about the terrible job they did or how much they overcharged us. We may not even see that they’re overcharging us until we’re run dry.
Advertise effectively. Not just because we’re unfamiliar with it or it’s uncomfortable, but also because we believe somewhere inside us it won’t work. Advertising is just letting people know what you’re up to, and it’s a very necessary part of any successful business or career. Without it, we can’t make more money to make up for what we lost hiring sub-par professionals and we certainly can’t build wealth.
Attracting What we Don’t Want
We could also lose money by hiring consultants, professional supports that aren’t able to see or hear us in order to actually serve us. This could result in lots of bad advice and hiring “fixers” that leave us with a list of things to do and no support to get there. This may leave us feeling criticized, judged or misunderstood and a lot poorer for it because now we don’t have any helpful steps to take to make money. This is a sneaky little pattern that can keep us poor and dependent on our subconscious neglect pattern. Oof. Ouch.
At worst, we could attract narcissistic professionals who really really really want to exploit our need to feel heard in exchange for taking whatever they want from us whenever they want it. It’s easy to fake listening to someone who doesn’t know what it feels like to be heard.
How to tell if you’re hiring a highly narcissistic person:
They say things like, “I don’t know what to say, but I’ll listen” so they can dissociate all they want and still get what they want from you. They might nod or say “It’s entirely your choice” on repeat but will still try to guide you to their desired outcome even when it’s different from what you’re asking.
They may not be able to repeat back what you said for confirmation and they likely won’t ask you if what they’re suggesting sounds helpful or resonant with you. It’ll be a 1-way street of them hearing you talk (not listening), and showering you with compliments that make you feel seen.
They’ll do whatever they wanted to do anyway (which is often to get paid for nothing) followed by judging or criticizing you for not doing it their way if the plan fails. Surely, it’s not THEIR fault that your business isn’t flourishing! You just didn’t do it right!
*eyeroll*
It Takes Two to Tango, Folx
If you’re someone who says to yourself, “Why bother?” deep in the back of your mind, you might be unconsciously neglecting yourself - and it’s hurting your career, business, community, and your world by keeping you small. It’s actually keeping you from showing up for the people you love in the ways you want to.
Oftentimes we only think of underprivileged people struggling with neglect, but make no mistake - some of my wealthiest clients have no idea how to run their financial lives. They hire expensive support professionals, are unhappy with their service and then unfairly put the blame on “poor people” for wanting to steal their wealth. (Do you see the unconscious mislabeling there?) Then they vote or lobby in ways to protect their wealth from “whoever they think is stealing from them.” Many times, they’re not intending to hurt entire groups of people even though that’s the real impact. They want to protect themselves without realizing that they’re the ones responsible for making sure they’re being understood before hiring for their projects in the first place . . . because they’re used to being ignored or neglected by their wealthy family. Ugh. It sucks for everyone.
The real deep, dark secret here is that we unconsciously get something from being criticized, small, unheard and unseen. When you discover what you get from it and let yourself enjoy that sensation, you’ll likely be uninterested in it anymore. If you’re struggling with this part, you can always book a session with me here. I’d love to help you permanently remove this pattern from your life and practice your new, healthy, wealthy way of being in the world. It would make my day.
Forgiveness
Let’s take moment to breathe. Really breathe all the way through our head to hips. Do it as many times as you need.
It’s ok. It’s ok if you are only figuring this out now. It’s ok if you’ve been trying to heal your whole life and you haven’t yet. It’s ok if you’ve had several failed businesses, careers or never been able to negotiate a raise. It’s ok if you’ve dumped thousands into coaches or contractors that left you empty or considering lawsuits.
Tomorrow can be different. And in order for any real change to occur in life, we have to grieve what isn’t true for us anymore. We’re not just letting go of the people who hurt us, but the part of our identity that subconsciously wanted it. If we can get to a place where we can forgive and love ourselves for doing the best we could with what we had, then suddenly advertising doesn’t feel so hard. We’re no longer bothered by people who don’t want to hear us - in fact, we can take it as a “This person is not for me, so I’m gonna find someone who is.” And that, my friends, is a powerful place to launch a new wealthy life from.
Money as a shared and co-created reality. When we don’t do our part and take responsibility for our relationship to money, money becomes a one-way street. Our worst habits and conditioning show up instead of conscious or loving decisions that bring us wealth, joy, and ease.
May your tomorrow be different. May your grief lead you to shared truth and mutual prosperity.
Candis Fox is a Wealth and Integrity Coach dedicated to making Revolution Delicious, Easy, and Accessible to people, businesses, & industries invested in their own integrity & collective truth.