But I have Money - Don't I already have a healthy relationship to Money?
But I have Money - Don't I already have a healthy relationship to Money?
Well......... here's the thing....
As it turns out, having enough money is not an indicator of having a healthy relationship to money.
I know plenty of people with no debt, make their rent/mortgage payments, have a reliable car, and eat well who have deeply unhealthy relationships and attachments to money.
That’s not my opinion, it’s their own truths.
I’ve worked with entrepreneurs, CEOs, CFO’s, tech workers, and couples who have plenty of access to resources who, once they take my quiz, realize that they have never really explored their relationship to money before. They discover that the reasons behind their wealth have less to do with their conscious choices and more to do with privilege - less to do with them as people and more to do with the systems that benefit them.
It often doesn’t feel very good to discover this news. Similarly, it doesn’t often feel good to chronically underfinanced people to hear that their attitude toward money has kept them from pursuing opportunities to make more of it. Oof. Double whammy.
I am in the business of exploring uncomfortable truths safely so we can become more of our true selves with ease and joy.
Many wealthy clients I work with are under-practiced in receiving. I know, it sounds counterintuitive because they receive enough money, right? But really, as a society, once someone has enough money they become isolated from the majority of people who don't. They become “other” and the under-resourced assume that the wealthy have what they need so they no longer support them socially, personally, emotionally, or with any other resources like time. If the wealthy person isn’t practiced at asking for what they want and actually receiving it, they will feel easily burnt out, only valued for their money, abandoned by those close to them and generally pretty bitter about it all. It’s a recipe for dragon-level wealth hoarding and hurt hearts.
We’ve all heard the “story of fame” wherein childhood friends say “that famous person changed once they had money” but that’s often not what actually happened. When one of two people who grew up in a similar cultural, financial environments suddenly gets money and doesn’t change their relationship to money to match, weird things happen.
Story Time!
Let’s say best friends, Riley and Harper, grow up together in a small-medium sized town. Both knew hunger and had internalized the following Money Story:
“Money is hard to come by. When you have it, have the most fun with it you can because it’ll probably never come back again and then you’ll just have to go back to working hard for nothing.”
They both go to college, Riley in their hometown and Harper in Los Angeles. Riley studies business and takes over their dad’s flower shop. Harper works as a restaurant server - but one day gets noticed by a producer! Harper becomes a B-level celebrity within 2 years.
Riley runs the flower shop into the ground in 3 years because their subconscious money story meant that whenever they made a surplus, they’d spend it wildly, wouldn’t save much, and, unfortunately had one small family medical emergency that bankrupted them.
Harper has the same subconscious money story and behaves similarly to Riley. Harper makes more money, but can’t save enough to share or get Riley out of medical debt. Harper can afford their unsustainable financial habits. Riley can’t. Neither can afford to support anyone else.
When Harper can’t help Riley, Riley turns their back on Harper and the two never speak again. The irony here, is that no one actually changed. Their stories stayed the same, is just that Harper had more resources to afford their unhealthy attachment to money. Should Harper ever stop getting calls for work, they’ll hit the same wall Riley did, and both of them will feel alone in their struggle.
Unhealthy attachments to money keep us isolated from each other, greedy, bitter, and disconnected from the full spectrum of the reality of wealth. We trade our comforting stories like “They changed, they’re bad now,” or “You’re just jealous” for the relational truths that keep us connected. We take comfort in separation, push people out of our lives, and abandon each other because of difference. Healthy attachments to money mean we can get curious about those differences and leverage them for everyone’s benefit. It’s a regenerative, expansive approach to business, financial systems, and our important relationships. It’s everything we want capitalism to be, but isn’t.
Shame & Guilt-Free.
There’s nothing wrong with using what’s been given to you. There’s nothing wrong with having privileges - it’s not like one single person can change every resource system we participate in. We can, however, take responsibility for those privileges and do what’s within our personal integrity with them.
We can only practice financial integrity when we have a conscious relationship to money.
Otherwise, we’re - at best - guessing based on old, inherited stories that may not serve us in the present. We take credit for things that aren’t ours and avoid the responsibility and power of real financial impact.
Remember those wealthy clients I mentioned before who thought that just because they had no debt they had a healthy relationship to money? The ones that aren’t well-practiced in receiving? They are terrified of debt even though it can give them a better quality of life now. They are afraid of becoming a target and being abandoned because of their wealth (because that’s what they would do to someone else). They are making decisions based on scarcity instead of taking responsibility for what they already have (because if they did, they would see that they didn’t earn it and would feel less valuable to themselves).
These are generalizations, of course. Everyone’s money story is different, nuanced and wholly delicious. One story that I know to be ubiquitously true, however, is that when we can make financial decisions based primarily on what we already HAVE within our integrity, we can all get more of what we want together.